What People with Bipolar Mean... But Don't Say
Things People with Bipolar Say… What We Sometimes Mean Might Surprise You.
A few weeks ago, someone asked me how I was doing.
Without even thinking, I smiled and said, “I’m fine.”
The funny thing was, I wasn’t fine at all.
I wasn’t in crisis. I wasn’t manic. I wasn’t deeply depressed. I was simply exhausted; my nervous system was shot. But, trying to explain all of that in the middle of a grocery store felt impossible.
So I said what so many of us say.
“I’m fine, thank you. How are you?”
Living with bipolar has taught me that there is often a huge gap between the words we use and what we’re actually experiencing.
Not because we’re dishonest.
Because some experiences don’t translate very well.
How do you explain that texting someone back feels impossible, even though you actually want to?
How do you explain that you’ve cleaned your entire house in six hours without breaks, but instead of feeling proud, you’re wondering if you should be worried?
How do you explain that you canceled dinner because you’re protecting your stability, not because you don’t love the people you canceled on?
Sometimes we don’t have the language.
Sometimes we’re trying to protect ourselves.
Sometimes we’re trying to protect the people we love.
Over the years, I’ve realized that many of the phrases people with bipolar use are really shorthand for something much deeper.
When someone with bipolar says, “I’m just tired,” they may be trying to describe a brain that has been working overtime all day. Mood regulation isn’t passive. It takes an incredible amount of energy.
When they say, “Sorry I disappeared,” what they may really be saying is, I spent every ounce of energy I had just surviving this week.
This code language is created fro stigma.
I’ve said it.
I’ve heard it.
I’ve coached people through it.
We've taught ourselves to edit before we’ve even given someone the chance to understand us.
The good news is that the people who truly love us usually aren’t asking us to be perfect.
They’re asking us to let them in.
And that brings me to this week’s skill, taken straight from the DBT Manual (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy)
D.E.A.R. M.A.N.
Learning to Ask for What You Need
One of the things DBT taught me is that healthy communication is actually a skill. Most of us were never taught how to ask for what we need without feeling guilty.
DEAR MAN gives us a roadmap.
D — Describe the situation. Stick to the facts.
"I've had three nights of poor sleep, and I'm noticing my mood feels more fragile than usual."
Notice there's no blaming or assuming. Just the facts.
E — Express how you feel.
"I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I'm worried that if I don't slow down, I'll become more symptomatic."
This is about sharing your emotional experience, not attacking someone else's.
A — Assert what you need.
"I'd like to reschedule dinner for next week."
Or...
"Can you come with me to my psychiatry appointment?"
Or...
"I need some quiet time tonight."
People aren't mind readers. Tell them exactly what you're asking for.
R — Reinforce why it matters.
"If I can rest tonight, I'll be much more present when we spend time together this weekend."
People are often more willing to help when they understand why your request matters.
M — Stay Mindful.
If the conversation goes off track, gently come back to your request.
Don't get pulled into defending yourself or arguing about things that aren't the issue.
A — Appear Confident.
Even if you feel nervous.
Speak clearly.
Make eye contact.
Avoid apologizing simply because you have needs.
N — Negotiate.
Sometimes the answer isn't yes.
That's okay.
Maybe dinner can't happen next week, but lunch can.
Maybe your partner can't attend the appointment, but they can drive you there.
Healthy communication isn't about getting exactly what you want every time. It's about working together to find a solution.
One of the hardest parts of living with bipolar isn't having needs.
It's believing we're allowed to have them.
Maybe that’s your challenge this week.
Choose one conversation you’ve been avoiding. One need you’ve been minimizing. One sentence you’ve been afraid to say. Then practice saying it.
Not perfectly.
Just honestly.
Because the people who love you can’t support what they don’t know.
Until next week,
Louise 🤍
Have a question for a future newsletter?
Ask me anything about living with bipolar disorder. Only I will see your question, and if it's selected, I'll answer it anonymously.
While I can't guarantee I'll be able to answer every question, I'll do my best to get to as many as I can over time.
Thank you for trusting me with your question.
